The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

When it comes to The Food Network, their shows and “stars” can be placed into any of three categories: good, bad, and ugly. Let’s get into it!

THE GOOD

• Iron Chef: The only show that I consistently watch on TFN.  It’s fun watching Morimoto, Bobby Flay, and Mario Batali create five awesome looking dishes in just an hour.  I love trying to guess what the secret ingredient will be before it’s revealed. I’ve never gotten it right, but I’ll keep trying.  ”And the secret ingredient is…… rat poison!!!”

• Barefoot Contessa: I wish I knew Ina Garten. She seems like one of the nicest people alive. And her voice!!! So soothing.

• Giada DeLaurentiis: Ahem.

THE BAD

• Paula’s Best Dishes: Yes, the name of this show is an oxymoron, as I’ve said before. Mrs. Deen is a pervert and makes disgusting food.  Nuff said.

• Semi-Homemade Cooking: Sandra Lee is bad. Really bad.  She hardly cooks, yet TFN refers to her as a “culinary expert”. A culinary expert that creates such culturally sensitive dishes like the Kwanzaa Cake.

THE UGLY

• Guy Fieri and Anne Burrell.  Are they for sure not related? Not twins?  They sure as hell are frightening to look at.

A good food year

I’m really not one to brag too often, but with that being said, I’ve had a pretty damn good year when it comes to eating. I used to yelp quite a bit about my dining experiences, but I’ve since joined the train of thought that yelp does far more damage to businesses than it does to benefit them. Perhaps that should be a different blog someday. Anyways, since I don’t post on yelp anymore, I’ll share my food adventures here! Duh, makes sense! Only positive food adventures too, it’s not worth bitching about a bad meal. Unless it was unusually bad, and something needs to be said. Kind of like when I went to that crap house Home and had to put up with the waitress from hell. I yelped about that one, and had my review removed for using grown-up language. Another reason I don’t care for yelp anymore! Anyways, Home closed down recently, so i win.

Alas, below is a list of the finer establishments that I have had the pleasure of dining at this year, and a brief review of each. So pour yourself a glass of Chardonnay (and not one of those cheap, buttery California Chardonnay’s… try a 2006 Bourgogne Chardonnay for pete’s sake), bust out some fine caviar, and heat up the cheez whiz (for the pasta sauce)!

• Aziza (San Fran): So f’ing good. Hands down my favorite restaurant I’ve been to in San Francisco.  And the cocktails? Addicting.  A well-deserved Michelin star.
• Cyrus (Healdsburg): I see your Michelin star and raise you one! That’s two Michelin stars, numbers can be tricky.  Cyrus ranks as one of my top 3 favorite meals of my life.  My first experience with a real tasting menu, and the food and service went well beyond my expectations.
• Ad Hoc (Yountville): T Kel in the house, what what! Yea… great place.
• Mission Chinese Food (San Fran): The food here is great, but I include this on my list more for the fact that it was ranked the 2nd best new restaurant by Bon Appetitty. That’s quite a feat! But still, it’s one of the best affordable restaurants I’ve been to.
• Husk (Charleston): I see your 2nd best new restaurant and raise you one! That’s the best new restaurant in America (per Bon Appetitty), numbers can be tricky. Unlike M.C.F., Husk disappointed me with their food. Not to mention that doofus of a waiter we had.  Still, I’m very happy to say that I’ve been here.
• Circa 1886 (Charleston): If it wasn’t Cyrus, then Circa 1886 must be the best meal I enjoyed (so far) this year.  Tiny restaurant in a beautiful Victorian mansion, this place amazed on all levels. It was simply the bees knees.
• The Olde Pink House (Savannah): Another great meal in a wonderful setting.  This pink mansion has something like 13 dining rooms, all with a different theme. And the food was rock star from Mars quality.

And if bragging about a handful of the best places I’ve already been to this year isn’t enough, how about bragging about the restaurants I’ll go to within the next 3 weeks!

• Jardiniere (San Francisco): Very excited to go here.  Thanks in advance Ma and Pa!
• JeanGeorges (New York): My first taste of a 3 star Michelin restaurant.  I fully expect this to be one of the best lunches I’ve had.  Don’t let me down, Frenchy.
• Peter Luger (New York): Ranked the #1 steak house in NY for 24 years in a row by Zagat.  Granted Zagat also rates KFC favorably.  Still… this will be out-of-bounds.
• Babbo (New York): I don’t care what your opinion is on crocs… the fact is, Mario Batali can cook. Pasta time.

Apparently my motto in life is something like “eat like you’re rich until you get rich”. I’m doing a great job of following the first part of my motto, but eventually the second part will have to happen.  I’m sticking to the game plan.

Zimmern

I’ve always loved Andrew Zimmern. Bizarre Foods is almost as good as No Reservations, if ya ask me. Well, like Tony Bourdain, Andrew Zimmern has some wise words regarding Devil Deen. Mr Zimmern is an all around likable bald-head.

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2011/10/andrew-zimmern-on-whats-wrong-and-right-with-american-food/

MY favorites IPA’s

India Pale Ale, you dumb ass.

If I were to be stranded on a desert (dessert?) island, and I could only bring two beverages with me, one of them would definitely by an IPA. No, the other would not be purified water.  I’d pull a Kevin Costner and drink my own piss so I could bring whiskey on that damned island.

I digress.  I really like IPA’s.  To put it in Simple Jack lingo, they taste really good to me. I’ve come up with MY own list of favorite IPA’s.  I swear I’m not biased… it should be common knowledge that California makes the best IPA’s. The best beer in general for that matter… with an emphasis on San Diego beers. DUH!

5) Hop Stoopid, by Lagunitas:

I go back and forth with this beer. I’ve had my fair share of great Hop Stoopid beers, as well as enough bottles that taste a bit off for me to question this beer altogether.  When it’s off, it smells like a Viking’s asshole.  But when it’s on… let me tell you, it’s a solid IPA.

4) Wipeout IPA, by Port Brewing:

A solid beer. I really picked this because Port had to be represented in this list; they make outstanding beers.  This just so happens to be their most recognizable IPA.  LET ME TELL YOU, I’ve had some lesser known Port IPA’s, and they’re even better than the Wipeout… AND THAT’s saying something, because the Wipeout is pretty gosh darn good! Sorry for yelling.

3) Sublimely Self-Righteuous Ale, by Stone Brew:

The most outside-the-box IPA that makes MY list.  This classic by Stone (a classic brewery itself!) is technically a Black IPA.  Don’t call me racist… I’m applauding it, not discriminating against it.  I’ve never had an IPA that is this dark in color.  And for how dark it pours, it is surprisingly light, YET FLAVORFUL, upon taste.  Stone makes amazing beers, but this is one of my all time favorites.  Bravo. Braaaavo.

2) Pliny the Elder, by Russian River:

No shit, right?  I don’t know what else can be said about this beer that hasn’t already been said.  It’s simply the tits.

1) Sculpin IPA, by Ballast Point:

For me this is a no-brainer.  For you… maybe not so much, because you probably haven’t taken the time out of your busy schedule to try this magnificent beer. Well trust me, IT’S WORTH YOUR TIME! First off, Ballast Point makes some of the best beer this world has ever seen.  Second of all… JUST TRY IT!!!! I literally just had one of these less than an hour ago, and it inspired me to write this analytical masterpiece.  Sculpin is smooth yet flavorful, hoppy yet smooth, and smooth yet crispy.  I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a pretty smooth beer to me.

Meat & Greet

Planning a first date can be a stressful event. Trust me… I’m practically a dating expert. The pressure of trying to plan the perfect first date can be overwhelming. Maybe you’re leaning towards a romantic candle lit dinner? How about conversation over a casual cup of coffee? Perhaps a daytime activity; such as a stroll through the park or hitting up the zoo? Well here’s my first piece of advice: the perfect first date is multi segmented. Yes, it includes more than 1 activity.

My dating expertise comes from countless afternoons of studying Roger Lodge and a plethora of couples appear on Blind Date. What I’ve learned is that 99% of dates ending with a trip to the hot tub were considered “successful” first dates. And how did they get to that hot tub? They spent the whole day together, laughing and bonding and usually getting wasted. Multi segmented dates are great because they can either A) flow together beautifully and end in a hot tub, or B) tell you all you need to know about said person, thus saving future time figuring out that your date is a douche-bag.

Now you might be asking “how on earth does this relate to your “food” blog”? Allow me to explain. And cool it on the questions, will ya?

I propose the ultimate first date scene: Meat & Greet; where a daytime petting zoo turns into an evening of fine dining.

Meat & Greet will truly be a one of a kind experience. A full petting zoo in the outdoor premises will house everything from chunky chickens to elongated elk, heck even some lanky llamas! Play around with the animals, take some pictures, and fall in love. When you’ve had enough of the funny stuff and are ready for the second segment of the date to begin, call one of our Meat & Greet butchers over to your favorite creature and behold the beauty of new age natural selection. You have our word, the killing will be done in a peaceful manner.

I know what you’re wondering: “How can this be successful if it’s exclusively for first dates”? Listen doofus, we don’t discriminate. We won’t ask you at the door for proof of it being a first date (although the awkward body language is typically a giveaway). In fact, I expect to receive just as many reservations for anniversaries as first dates. And if you want to make it a family event, then by all means, bring the kids along.

 Even better, there’s a communal hot tub on site for those really successful dates!

This is still a work in progress, but does anyone know any venture capitalists that may be interested?

Breakfast Poetry

The hickory smoked bacon sizzled across her naked body,

grease slowly penetrating her pores.

Beating my eggs, I couldn’t help but think

“Will I always be yours?”

 

A Gentle Reminder

BIRDS DO NOT EAT CHEESE